La Angry Xicana (Excerpt)
LA ANGRY XICANA: Good evening, mariconas. That’s right, Los Ángeles, tonight you’re all my mariconas. And I know, yo sé, we’re about to embark on a comedic and thought provoking journey together; but first, I want to take a moment to recognize all of our queer ancestors and living predecessors who have survived by courting and speaking in code, using pick up lines like, “Ponme la mano aquí… Macorina.” So that one day, an hocicona like myself and so many of you, can just say it like it is: Put your hand here, maricona. (La Angry Xicana touches her right breast.) Jota, tortillera, lesbiana, marimacha, malflora, chocha comelona, panocha pocha—y qué?!
And I know, yo sé, most of you are here tonight, and will be back tomorrow night, and the night after that to support, and more importantly, to see if this crazy bitch is gonna fuck up her lines. I mean—it’s unheard of—three Xicana comedies performed back to back by an educated cochina.
Do you know who’s done that before? Nobody, that’s why I said it’s unheard of. Mira nomás, qué bonito… ¿así vamos a empezar, jotitas? Stay alert, cabronas, or you’ll miss half the show. O que la… and they thought Brokeback Mountain was groundbreaking and revolutionary. C’mon, raza didn’t fall for that Hollywood mierda. The love story of the century: Jack Twist and Ennis Dale-mar. You mean, Ennis DEL MAR? Because in the original short story the movie is based on that character is written as Latino, as in Penis Del Otro Lado; which makes perfect sense, because the cowboy, after all, is a Mexican invention. Gente, Brokeback Mountain was supposed to be Brokeback Rancho!
Pinche Hollywood, I wish they would get it right. It’s like that other chingadera they tried to sell off on us, The L-Word. As a Xicana lesbian, I boycotted that mierda for years. And yes, I’m STILL angry about that shit—¡¿y qué?! Porque, mira, if a character like Carmen was meant to exist, was meant to fuck up the Spanish language—they should have at least hired a professional pocha. (Enacts “Carmen,” who mispronounces words in Spanish, and addresses the mic stand.) “Ay, Shane, mi flacusha… quiero, you know, que me mames la cuchie. C’mon, duarmate conmigo. Ándale, ándale vamos a Taco Bell.”
And I know, yo sé, before some academic critiques me for perpetuating poor body image stereotypes, of course, I understand it is problematic for me to use the mic stand to signify Shane’s body when she is obviously much… skinnier. (She places the mic stand on the left side of the stage.)
Excerpt from Las Hociconas: Three Locas with Big Mouths
and Even Bigger Brains
© Adelina Anthony, 2013